Speedos, Water Wings, and K-Love

As my summer is coming to a close, I realize how blessed I've been to have a job as a lifeguard on campus.  It's allowed me to live in an apartment for free, spend time with family and friends, and have my nights and weekends free from work...all while still earning money!  However, after spending an entire summer lifeguarding, I've learned just a few things about the pool, swimmers, and life in general.   And please note all statements are made in good fun and some may have slight exaggerations.


1) If you are a male and over the age of 25, you should not wear a speedo.  Actually on second thought, NO guy should EVER wear a speedo. I don't care how young or in shape you look.  It's uncomfortable to look at and since my job is to watch you, don't do it.  Just don't.

2) K-Love, Rochester's Christian radio station, has a playlist that is played on repeat every single day.  If you don't believe me, try listening to it nonstop 1:45pm-5pm, Monday-Friday.  You'll soon see my point.

3) Pool noodles were made for children.  They were not designed to be used as a workout tool.  If you try to use a pool noodle to workout, you aren't going to get a good workout.  You just aren't. 

4) There should be a rule stating that all children must demonstrate they can successfully retrieve just ONE diving ring from the bottom of the pool before being able to throw in the entire pool's supply.  Somehow, I'm always the one having to retrieve 20+ diving rings at the end of my shift. 

His smile won't last long.

5) Water wings are not a safe flotation device for children. I repeat, water wings are not a safe flotation device for children. The 3 year old who lost her water wings while being thrown in the air would agree with me.
 
6) Swimmers take advantage of every single second the pool is open.  If tell swimmers at 8:29pm that the pool is closed, they will proceed to tell me that they have another minute to swim since the pool closes at 8:30pm.  My mistake.

7) But some people waste their time in the pool.  So many "swimmers" come in, swim one lap, and then just stand in the water for another hour.  Whatever they're mulling over, they should save me the agony and awkwardness of having to stare at them just standing in one place and go stand in their bathtub instead. 

8) There is no power in having a lifeguard whistle.  No matter how many times I use it to let kids know that under no circumstances is "dunking" allowed, they always do it again in less than 5 minutes. 

9) Parents think lifeguards are babysitters.  My job is to maintain constant surveillance of swimmers and to provide emergency care in the event of an actual emergency.  My job is not to yell at kids when they refuse to get out of the pool or solve an argument between siblings. 

10) Kickboards are meant to be used to practice kicking, not to jump on.  Therefore, no matter what technique you use, if you jump on a kickboard, it will backfire and hit you in the face.   There's just no avoiding it.